This is the second blog of a three blog series where I narrate my adventures through Choose Your Own Adventure Books given to me after I made a sarcastic remark about how much I liked them and was taken seriously. Read the first adventure here. Let’s embark on The Canoeing Safari by T.J. Matthews.
I’m actually visiting the same family again, Darryl and Debbie and their kids David and Danielle. The book doesn’t say this, but I’m wondering if I have any other friends that I can visit during the summer. Maybe a senile aunt. When I finally arrive in Kahunda, Danielle suggests we go on a canoe adventure to the islands. Right from the start Danielle is hitting on me. The book doesn’t say that, but at one point she is “tossing her hair,” which really means she wants me.
I continue to page 6. As we get prepared for the trip Danielle tells David she just wants to paddle around the islands, not explore them, but David isn’t listening. David ends up giving in to his sister because he’s a wussy. Then they start fighting over whether or not to go left or right up the lake to fish. They ask me what I want to do. Although, the book doesn’t say this, but I’m not listening to what they’re asking me because Danielle just applied some unscented lotion that I’m trying to smell. I decide to walk to the right along the shore, which is where Danielle wanted to go.
I continue to page 22. My friends tell me about a deadly virus in the water and warn me not to touch the water. The book doesn’t say this, but I’m ready to go back to the house and eat cookies and drink goat’s milk with Deb, but Danielle’s unscented-lotion is casting a spell on me. We find nine worms to fish with and then we set off on the canoe. If I know how to paddle I have to turn to page 27. If I don’t I’m to turn to page 30.
I continue to page 27. As we’re paddling up to the Point, fishermen from the shore start yelling and waving at us as we go by. David waves and Danielle doesn’t. Danielle says that in African culture respectable women are to pretend they don’t hear when men call out to them. The book doesn’t say this, but those fishermen are lucky parasitic water is between us. We finally find a spot to fish and David puts a worm on Danielle’s hook and then hands me a fishing pole and some worms. I’ll let T.J. narrate what the worms are doing: “As you stand there looking at it, it writhes in your palm and squirts some brown fluid into your hand.” I’m then told that if this bothers me I’m to go to page 105. But if holding a moving part of a worm doesn’t make me lose my cool, then I should go to page 116. I know what T.J. is doing. She’s trying to make me feel guilty for being so squeamish. She’s trying to emasculate me and I’m not having any of it.
I continue to page 105. I quickly throw the worms down and at the same time a wave hits the canoe and knocks me out of the boat into the water. Fortunately, I was wearing a floatation device and I did not drown, but a big splash of water went into my mouth and I swallowed it. I swim to shore and David paddles over and starts making fun of me, but Danielle gets mad at him and makes him paddle the canoe back by himself. She is going to walk me home so we can hurry up and wash off the parasite before it starts burrowing into me. Then she tells me I might get typhoid or cholera, but even though the book doesn’t say this I don’t really care because we’re walking home together and suddenly I’ve developed a limp and will need assistance walking. When I get home I throw up on the kitchen floor. I have a bad case of diarrhea and I don’t contract any deadly diseases. The End.
That’s right, the adventure ended only after 107 pages. I’m beginning to think my adventures in Africa have a sort of pattern. But I will not give up because, even though the book doesn’t say this, but on our walk home Danielle accidentally touched my nipple. I still have a chance.
(If you read all of this and laughed at my jokes, claim your prize here here.)
(If you didn’t read all of this and/or laugh, then go to hell.)